ALW’s Five Guys Q. 8: When You Don’t Like Your Friend’s BF. Or Your Friend.

ALW’s Five Guys answer readers’ questions about the sometimes frustrating, sometimes confusing, always engrossing subject of modern relationships. Your questions will be kept anonymous, unless you wish them not to be. Ask your question here!

So my senior year of college, I was applying to dental school and under a lot of stress, which may or may not have affected my friendship with a close friend of mine at the time. We were in the same friend group and I felt like she was the first friend I had that we literally had no problems and always got along. Fast forward to senior year, we started fighting a lot, there was a lot of passive-aggressive activity and I tried to limit my interaction with her cause she would make me so upset. While all this was going on, our friend group grew a bit and a new guy who I will name, S, entered our group. He was in a relationship with another girl who joined our group, C, almost all of college and they seemed happy together. Well, my friend was very flirty with S and I could tell she was actively trying to get with him. When all of my friends and I would confront her about it, she would deny any wrong doing. The rest of the group and I also quickly realized that S was quite manipulative of people, especially of his girlfriend, and was two-faced on many occasions. As the year went on, I tried to distance myself from him as I felt like he didn’t particularly want to be friends either.

Now that I’m in dental school, I do not hang out with this group a lot even though most of us stay in the same city. The plot twist is my friend is now dating S and it has caused multiple rifts in the group and most of the group does not even hang out because of this. S has possibly assaulted a girl in another friend group (I say possibly because we heard this as a rumor and are unsure if this is true). For the past year, my friend will actively reach out to me to hang out, but because she is dating S, I feel awkward hanging out with her. I feel like it’s a matter of principle more than the actual “hang out” itself. The times when we do hang out, she mostly talks about him and how he came on to her when it is clear she was scheming since he entered our group.

On the brink of a new year, I’m wondering if it is even worth keeping in touch with her? What are you supposed to do when you hate your friend’s significant other and you did not even care for her much before they started dating? Also, is it my place to say something like your boyfriend may have assaulted someone? No one else has said anything and I would not say I’m a close friend of hers anymore, which is why I’m unsure if I should say anything at all. – A

Dear A,

In my opinion, it sounds to some extent that you’ve already made up your mind and just need to cut them both off. They both clearly are adding to your stress. If you do not think your friendship would have survived without your friend dating S, then I don’t know how you expect it to survive now when she is now in a relationship with S. I really think that you’ve already mentally made it clear in your head, but your heart feels weird to let go of this friendship. You did not explicitly say, but it seems as though you were friends with this girl for a long time. However, was it just because you guys were in college together? Did you guys have anything in common? Is she a supportive friend?

Additionally, if she is active in this group (pre-dating S), then she possibly already knows about this rumor, which makes it shady why she is still dating him, but hey, people do what people want to do.

I think in the name of a new year and 2019 being the year you cut out all the unnecessary drama, it’s time to leave this friend and her boyfriend behind. He does not seem respectful of people and if she schemed her way into his arms without any care about his girlfriend at the time, she is equally disrespectful. If you are worried about losing a friend, you said you don’t hang out with her that much anyway, so find friends you do want to hang with! Dental school is a stressful time and if you can find friends who can help you relax as you navigate this will be more helpful than you think. Cheers! ~ D

D is a recent grad living in the DC area who loves taking her German Shepherd on walks, eating Gelato and watching Making a Murderer.