ALW’s Five Guys Q. 4: Double Trouble

ALW’s Five Guys answer readers’ questions about the sometimes frustrating, sometimes confusing, always engrossing subject of modern relationships. Your questions will be kept anonymous, unless you wish them not to be. Ask your question here!

Hey Five Guys,

So I’m in a predicament. I’m 23 and haven’t been in a committed relationship in a good few years, and never anything too serious. There’s a big part of me that wants to be looking for something more legitimate – but there’s another part that plans to move cities next summer. There’s a guy (let’s call him Jamie) who I’ve seen a few times who I love talking to (and do so daily), but don’t always vibe with physically. This is drawn out by the fact that he travels out of town during the week and is only around every other weekend. There’s another of my closest friends here (let’s call him Darren) who I’ve always had intense chemistry with, but neither of us have made a move. Both are a few years older – Jamie is definitely looking for a relationship, Darren is a bit up in the air.

A thought for your thoughts?

I think you should read this article that was published in NY Mag a few weeks ago about pursuing relationships with no future. I say this because you mention that a significant part of you is looking for something serious, but the logical part of you is against that due to the idea you may move cities in 6 months. Before you know yourself what you want, it does not matter whether there are two guys or seven guys: you will not be able to pursue anything or enjoy anything because you yourself are confused.

I also have a few questions about both guys that you may want to ask yourself. You say you talk to Jamie every day, but don’t have great physical chemistry. From this, I feel like I can safely assume you guys are communicating through digital communication and have developed a certain chemistry through this. I personally feel sometimes that spending more time conversing through texts and not in person can create a physical disconnect. Try to hang out more in person and see if there is something there! Since he is out of town a lot, maybe make a plan to do something fun like go apple picking or to a concert.

For the other guy, Darren, you said you both are friends, but neither have made a move. What type of actions has he done that demonstrates he may want to take your friendship elsewhere? This is the time to ask yourself how much you value your friendship and in what way. If you guys are very close and then enter a hookup, friends with benefits situation or a serious relationship, are you ready to let go of the friendship if things do not work out? Or do you think both of you would get past that and still remain friends? Also, if things do work out (which I hope they do!), do you think you could still pursue your professional or personal dreams of moving away?

Of course, this last question is a more long-term thing to think about and is related to both guys and you may not have to think about this now, but you also do not want to enter something and give off the vibe that you guys will be together in the city you are in without giving him the heads up that you may want to move.

However, the reason I linked that article was to show also that you can have an incredible relationship without “a future together” and still grow and learn. Not all relationships you enter have to be for the long term. Sometimes, we all just need to live in the moment and that’s okay! There is nothing wrong with pursuing something for some happiness, whether it be long-term or short-term 🙂 – H

H is a current medical student in New York City and enjoys sushi, watching Stranger Things and baking!